My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
