The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
