I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
