I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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