you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
