It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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