i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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