i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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