i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
