I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
