There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
