This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
