I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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