hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
