I am in a vortex of obligation.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
