while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
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I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
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My legs feel like baby dolphins
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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