Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
