Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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