Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
