Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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