No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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