um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
