I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
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I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
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I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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