laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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