She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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