You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
