I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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