Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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