remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
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The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
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If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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