bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
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I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
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I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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