I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
