I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
