I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
