dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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