he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I have aggressive nipples.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
