Princesses don't give blow jobs
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
