Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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