8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
