he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
