i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
