My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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