If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We have so much sex to catch up on
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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