i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
