i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
