Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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