there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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