How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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