highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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