If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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