nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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