bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
