I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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