Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
