guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
