Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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