Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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