i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
