apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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