I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
